Downgraded or dissolved: What to do when you break-up with your friends

Friendships are a core part of who we are – so what happens to us when they end?

In the spring of 2019, I had my first friendship breakup. It ended with a bitter argument, tears, frustration, and we haven't spoken since. For a long time I grieved the loss of that friendship, of her being in my life. Even now, over five years later, I occasionally find myself dreaming about her and often wonder if we will ever re-connect. However, I have also made peace with the ambiguity – it was a great friendship for the time it lasted.

Coincidentally, my first romantic relationship came to an end just five months later. I found it much easier to speak about – years of music, films and books on heartbreak had prepared me well. Since then, I've found that the dissolution of a friendship is less commonly discussed than the end of a romantic relationship.

Historically, friendships have received less attention from researchers than other types of relationships, despite being associated with benefits to long-term health, wellbeing, and life satisfaction. Grace Vieth, a researcher in social psychology at the University of Minnesota, studies friendship dissolution. "I think readers would be surprised [that] we [researchers] are just starting to consider how friendships might end, and that it is a very recent phenomenon… the work is really just beginning," she says.

Because friendship breakups are generally less talked about, people may feel unsure about how to handle them or the powerful emotions that come with them, Vieth suggests. "There's a very clear societal script for how to break up with a romantic partner," she says. "But there are no normative scripts on how to go about ending a friendship."

As children, our primary source of support comes from our parents. But as we get older, especially as we enter adolescence, we start to spend significantly more time with peers, placing a higher priority on social acceptance and social standing, says Kaitlin Flannery, an associate professor in psychology at State University of New York College, Cortland. "There's a different bond that we have with friends, they help us shape our identity throughout our life. We use our friends as sort of a mirror and a guide."

Vieth points out that in its initial stages, friendship is built on similarity and proximity.

"We're social creatures. We want acceptance," says Flannery. "We want validation from not only our family, but our same-age peers. And so that's where friendships start to really become these essential sources of social support, but also fun and companionship."

Much of the research on friendship dissolution has focused on children and adolescents, an age when it is quite common for friendships break apart. In Flannery's research, looking at a sample of 354 middle school students (typically between 11 and 14 years old), 86% said they had a friendship end recently. Most put it down to conflict or a betrayal of trust. Another predictor was the lack of support from friends, or that they felt they weren't getting what was needed from their friends – for example, companionship, or no longer having fun together. Friendship breakups reportedly stirred complex emotions for the middle schoolers, including sadness, but also happiness and relief, depending on why the dissolution happened, how it ended, and who did the "breaking up".

In some cases, friendships are simply "downgraded" from best friend status to "good" friends. Another year-long study of friendship stability in seventh graders saw that only about half of "best friendships" remained stable throughout the school year. Older adolescents' friendships are moderately more stable over the course over the school year, the research suggests. As one academic paper puts it, for teens, the autumn best friend is very likely to at least be a close friend by spring.

Such high school friendships may weaken or dissolve as friends move apart for university and college. This may partly be caused by the physical distance that is introduced between friends at these junctures in life. But, as young adults navigate increasingly complex social networks, as well as their own and others' expectations, friendships can also become less stable.

As in the previous life stages, friendship is also an opportunity for young adults to practice getting along with others. One study found for example that people with a "growth" mindset about relationships – meaning, the belief that relationships require effort and can grow and develop – were more willing to maintain and work on their friendships. Others may feel that as their interests change, it is more rewarding to spend time with new friends.

"I think it's important to recognise that friendship dissolutions are part of life and are very natural," says Vieth. "It's not about the number of friends you have – it's about the closeness and the responsiveness of those friends."

Not all friendship breakups are painful and dramatic. Sometimes, the bond may simply fade. In one study from the 1980s of 90 adults aged 20-28, the five most common reasons cited for a same-sex friendship ending were: less physical proximity; not liking the friend anymore; less interaction; interference from other relationships, such as dating or marriage; and friendships fizzling out naturally. Proximity affected casual friendships the most, while close and best friendships were more likely to end through less interaction or interference from other relationships.

But strong friendships can survive and adapt to such life changes, research shows. "Whenever I look at friendship dissolution, my takeaway is there are certain aspects of life that can disrupt friendships, but there are also just as many examples of friendships that have been able to weather these life changes and grow closer," says Vieth.

Gender also influences what we expect from our friendships – and why they may end.

Surveys of US adults reveal that the majority (66%) say all or most of their close friends are the same gender as them, although women are more likely to say this than men (71% vs. 61%). At high school, friendship among girls tend to intensify around psychological support and closeness, while friendships between boys tend to be based around recreational aspects. 

Another big gender difference is the way friendships are formed: in pairs, or in groups. Women often have multiple, close one-on-one friendships. Male friends tend to have a denser network, where all their friends are friends with each other. As they tend to be friends in groups, friendship maintenance can be very different for men, Flannery says, whereas it takes more energy for women to maintain one-on-one friendships.

This may be why conflict within women's friendships can be more problematic, Flannery adds. "[Girls and women] tend to hold their friends to higher standards in terms of loyalty and emotional support… [they] reported that they were more sad – they ruminated more, they felt more lonely and were more stressed following a friendship dissolution than boys were," says Flannery.

Research on conflict resolution suggests that it takes women longer to reconcile with friends after an argument than men, and that the anger they feel takes longer to dissipate. The reasons why friendships end can also differ for men and women. In a study of students at midwestern university in the US, physical separation was more likely to lead to dissolution in men's friendships, while dating or marriage was more likely to interfere with women's friendships. 

So, should you hold on to old friends, trusting that you'll eventually become close again?

Not necessarily, say Vieth and Flannery. Sometimes, it can be better to let go. For example, ending a toxic friendship may improve our well-being. "Sometimes we really over-romanticise friendships", says Flannery. "Not all friendships are serving us in positive ways. So, most of the time friendships have great benefits, but we want to make sure that we're selecting friends who are helping us." Some friends may make us feel like our cup has been filled, while others leave us tired and drained.

Consciously ending a friendship can however create another tricky challenge: how to let go of a friend, without hurting them.

One controversial but common method is ghosting. Widely known in the dating world as a disappearing act to terminate a romantic relationship while avoiding the confrontation of doing so, ghosting has become a common tool to end friendships, too.

In one study of 18 to 25 year-olds, people who had ghosted a friend were asked for their reasons for doing so. The most common motivations were: toxic friendship, loss of interest to maintain the friendship, finding a friend annoying, self-preservation and someone had overstepped boundaries. Although the longevity of the friendship did matter to the ghosters, it didn't prevent them from being a "gradual ghost" – that is, gradually pulling away from the friend over a period of time, rather than an abrupt ending. The tactic left the rejected friends feeling "sadness, frustration and hurt". Some initiators, however, saw the act of ghosting as a defence mechanism against a bad friendship – and did not feel that a confrontation would help.

Vieth suggests another and perhaps better path forward: learning about what it takes to maintain and improve a friendship – and how to deal with conflict and confrontation.

"I think that a lot of people have a mindset that they're willing to work through conflict in romantic relationships, because that's something that we all acknowledge is inevitable," she says.

But when it comes to friendship, we may just expect things to work out naturally, and give up if they don't: "I know a lot of people look at [their] friends, and they think these are the relationships that should be easy and bring a lot of joy, fun and laughter into my life," she says. "And that's certainly true, but maybe leads to the idea that sometimes conflict isn't worthwhile [working through]."

Despite romantic relationships and friendships sharing similar emotional benefits – such as warmth and joy – they also have a key difference: in a romantic relationship, there tends to be an expectation of monogamy. While this differs across cultures and individual people, generally, the expectation is that you only have one partner, and the rules in that relationship are clear. Whereas "in friendships, there isn't that expectation of monogamy, which in some case makes it more complicated because we do see friendship jealousy", says Flannery.

Friendships are not always mutually exclusive. While we are supposed to be fine with this, we may actually feel uncomfortable about a very close friend having another close friend: "Because this person is so important to me, but they have someone else who's so important to them," says Flannery. It can be helpful to remember that they're allowed to have other friends, and that this doesn't threaten our friendship with them.

While research on friendship psychology is still emerging, these relationhsips take up a lot of attention and energy in our everyday lives. According to a recent Pew Research Center survey, 61% of US adults taking part said having close friends is extremely or very important for people to live a fulfilling life. One reason may be that people are getting married and having children later in life. In both the US and the UK, along with many other places around the world elsewhere, the average age that people marry has risen. In the UK, men and women are now waiting until they are over the age of 30 before marrying for the first time, while in the US the figures are hovering around the same age.

That means that for a big part of our life, friends may provide the stability and support that was previously provided by marriage.

In romantic relationships, it's not uncommon for couples to break up, and then later, after some reflection, get back together. Is that something we should consider with our ex-friends, too – a reconciliation, and second try? Again, it depends on the nature of the friendship, says Flannery.

"I think that there are going to be different situations when that friendship heals versus other times, when maybe it’s better to just let that dissolution take place," says Flannery. "And again, it may depend on: do you feel relieved that the friendship is over? Was that friendship adding positive benefits to your life? If you still feel like you really miss them, maybe it is worth repairing."

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