'Lockdown made me vulnerable and angry'

Life in lockdown is hard, let's not deny that, but living with a disability can be especially hard just now.

I am visually-impaired and have mobility issues, so getting places requires a taxi or public transport, both of which are not suitable to use at the moment.

So, what does that mean for me?

Well, before this all started, life was going my way for once.

I was a 28-year-old man living as independently as possible in a flat with two friends in Glasgow's West End.

I was just starting my career in TV and radio at BBC Scotland and had a few other projects on the go.

Then came lockdown.

I had to move back home to my parents' house and leave work.

This meant I was leaving a world where I was just starting to be noticed, where all my hard work was starting to pay off and enter a closed, scary, uneasy world, full of uncertainty and lack of security.

Although I'm safe at my parents, I'm trapped in many ways.

I haven't been able to get out much or live the life I was living.

I know everyone is in the same boat, but it's scary when you feel like you have had to work harder and constantly prove your worth.

As well as the day job, I had also started my poetry and spoken word career and was beginning to become noticed.

I was being offered gigs on big-billed sets and starting to be seen for the person I am and not the disability people often notice first.

Now my disability has come to the forefront once again, and I have become a vulnerable person, a person relying on the kindness of others.

My mental health has declined and, although I was suffering before lockdown, this is worse.

Everything I had started to become used to has been taken from me, and the worst part is it's not anyone's fault. This is just the world at present - life in lockdown.

Day by day, I'm starting to ease myself into this "new normal", although each day I hope that lockdown will end soon, and we can get back to how things were.

But I don't think things will ever be the way they were.

Every day I find a way of coping, although it's hard. I find a way of passing the time whether that's finding home workouts or practicing yoga and mindfulness, or going through my film collection or scrolling through streaming services looking for the next binge watch.

Each new day brings a new challenge, a new low and a new high.

Being disabled in a pandemic is harder than I ever thought, especially when I tried so hard to get the world to see me beyond my disability.

It's not all doom and gloom, although it really feels like it.

I have been trying to be as creative as possible.

I've been uploading video diaries to my YouTube channel, documenting the feelings and the ups and downs of the current world state.

I hope these diaries can in a few years' time be a lesson for myself and others about how we can prepare better if something like this happens again.

I've been writing loads, everyday almost, but some days I just don't feel like it, which is fine.

There are no rules for a pandemic. There's no right or wrong way to spend the time.

That's something I had to learn.

I spent most of the first week or two battling with myself about why I wasn't being creative, why I was sitting back and feeling sorry for myself when the entire world was also going through this.

I was feeling guilty for feeling annoyed at the world.

It wasn't until I hit an ultimate low, a low I hadn't faced in many years, that I started to realise it was ok to feel annoyed.

I had been on top of the world, starting my career, had gigs coming up and about to start my own poetry and spoken word night when coronavirus put a stop to it.

I finally felt ok to be angry because this isn't normal, not for any of us.

Being disabled in a pandemic is terrifying but reaffirming because it made me realise that maybe I was trying too hard to dispose of my disability, when my disability is the reason I'm doing what I do, the reason I am where I am.

It's a hell of a struggle and it's not getting easier.

But disability or not - things will get better. So as lonely and as isolated as I feel, I know that I will get that life I had back, it's just a matter of when.