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Bereaved mum shares 'what not to say' in new book

Handout Kiki Deville smiles at the camera holding her book, which has a purple cover and is illustrated with a love-heart affixed with a sticking plasterHandout
Kiki Deville said her book is aimed at making it easier for the families and friends of grieving parents to support them

A bereaved mother has written a book exploring the sensitive topic of how to speak to a parent struck by the loss of a child.

Singer and entertainer Kiki Deville, from Earby, said she felt as if she would "never experience joy again" after losing her four-week-old son Dexter in 2007.

Dexter died from the rare genetic condition Zellweger Syndrome and spent his last days in Chorley children's hospice Derian House, of which Ms Deville is now a patron.

Her work there, including countless conversations with other parents, informed her book, What Not To Say: A Practical Guide to Supporting Bereaved Parents.

Ms Deville said 17 years after the loss of Dexter, she still remembers the first time someone made the well-meaning but painful comment: "At least he was just a baby".

"Now that infers were he older, his death would have mattered more", she told the BBC.

Handout Baby Dexter is pictured resting on a white blanket. A medical tube is inserted into his right nostril and fixed to his cheek with a white plasterHandout
Ms Deville's son Dexter was diagnosed with a fatal genetic disorder very shortly after he was born in 2007

From speaking to other mothers, Ms Deville also gave examples such as "at least you have other children" and "they're in a better place" as things not to say.

She said: "It's really important to recognise that nobody says anything out of malice, I don't think anybody sets out to hurt."

However, Ms Deville said she believed the "burden" should not be on bereaved parents to find a way to return to normal life.

Since Dexter's death, she said she had found joy in life again, including in her 16-year-old son Arlo and in music and comedy. She has appeared on TV shows like The Voice and All Together Now.

However, she said the pain was often still raw.

Kiki Deville, with black hair, red lipstick and wearing a black shirt, speaks to the camera
Kiki Deville said she still remembers some well-meaning but ill-judged comments 17 years after the death of her baby boy Dexter

"We are forever changed, we have a life sentence of living with the grief of our child dying, but we can have a normal life again if you help us back into the real world by having some empathy, by understanding that there are better things to say", she said.

One key piece of advice she offered was that a lost child's name should not be avoided in conversation.

She said: "People will avoid the subject - 'I didn't want to upset you' - but nothing you say is going to upset me more than I already have been.

"After a while nobody says your child's name anymore and it hurts. It's really hard that nobody acknowledges their existence."

What Not to Say: A Practical Guide to Supporting Bereaved Parents is available now.

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