'I felt alone after mum died but group was lifeline'

A woman who set up a social support group for motherless daughters after her own mother died said it has helped many other women feel less alone.

Carmella De Lucia's mother, Bridie De Lucia, died from a brain tumour in July 2004 when Carmella was just 17-years-old.

It lead Carmella to create the UK Motherless Daughters Facebook group after she struggled to find support during such a difficult time.

Since the group's creation in 2014, it has attracted more than 3,000 members who have described it as a "lifeline" as they unite in their grief.

And I am one of those women that Carmella's group has helped.

My own mother passed away a few years ago, and Carmella's group was there for me when I needed it most.

Carmella describes the group as "a real sense of comfort to a lot of people" because they know they are "not alone".

Here's how the group helped me, and other women dealing with grief and loss.

I'm Gemma, a BBC News journalist in the North West, and someone whose life changed forever when I lost my mum four years ago.

I was 28-years-old when my mother, Tina, passed away on 19 March 2021, at the age of 53.

She had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in 2019 but nothing could have prepared me for what it would feel like to lose her.

My mum was my best friend and I'm still getting used to a void that will forever be part of my life now she is no longer there to fill it.

But that's where Carmella's group became a lifeline for me.

It was a place where I didn't feel judged and where I could express my grief, and my thoughts.

When I post in the group asking for help, support or just a bit of company and comfort, I know someone is going to be there for me within a matter of seconds.

I am so thankful it is there, as it is still helping me nearly four years on.

Now 37 with two daughters and another on the way, Carmella said she never expected the group to be as big as it was and said it helped not only the bereaved but those who had never had a mother figure.

"It is a unique bond, you only get one mother... and when that bond breaks you don't know what to do because there is nobody else," she added.

Carmella described her mother as the "best mum" who was "beautiful, funny and very kind".

Bridie De Lucia was diagnosed with a progressive brain tumour in 2004, just before her 50th birthday and on the day of Carmella's 17th birthday.

"It was the worst type of brain tumour that she could have had really and there was just nothing they could do, so it was all very quick," Carmella said.

She died just a month later on 20 July while Carmella was studying for her AS levels.

"I never thought she was going to die, I thought she was going to get treatment, and get better."

Carmella said she felt "very alone" with being an only child and her dad grieving.

She said: "I remember the day after she died and I was lying in bed thinking, 'I don't want to get out of bed this morning because this is the rest of my life now'. I did but it was a scary prospect for me."

At the time, Carmella said there was no social media to turn to for advice and had only a book called Motherless Daughters by American author Hope Edelman to help her.

Ten years later she wrote a column for her local paper telling her story which had a "huge response".

"People said there should be a place where people can share their experiences, and I thought 'yes, there should'."

And so the Facebook group was born in 2014.

Two years later, Jo Henwood joined the group after her mother, Hazel, died in August 2016 at the age of 78.

Jo, 60, who lives in Chester, said the Motherless Daughters community is "amazing".

She said: "It is so supportive of each other, we are all over the country, the world".

Jo was born in New Zealand and moved with her mother to live in south Wales when she was five. She has lived in Chester for almost 30 years.

She said her mother was like a "dad and a mum" to her as she grew up without her father.

Their bond was strong and Jo said even though she was 52-years-old when her mother died, she felt like an "orphan".

"It is weird but you feel like a bit like an orphan because nobody knows these things of my childhood, it was just me and her," she said.

"The grief, is just raw. It is just as if the bottom of your life has been taken away and you're just rudderless - whenever you lose your mum it is very tough."

Hazel died from idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis (IPF), where the lungs become scarred and breathing becomes more difficult.

Jo said she and her family were able to spend one last Christmas together in 2015, before Hazel died.

"My mum was lovely, she fought my corner a lot and I always felt she was there for me, she was feisty, and we did have such a laugh," said Jo.

She said the group was "great" and had helped her connect with others.

Additional reporting by Annabel Tiffin.

If you, or someone you know, have been affected by bereavement, child bereavement or end of life care, you can find support through BBC Action Line.

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