'Nightmare' as voices tell ex-Miss Wales to harm baby

Former Miss Wales Sara Manchipp has told how voices in her head urged her to harm her own child.

The 34-year-old said after her son Tomos, now three, was born she developed postpartum obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).

That is a form of the condition that occurs during or after pregnancy.

"Seeing images and hearing voices in my head telling me I could kill my child was an absolute nightmare," she said.

Ms Manchipp, from Port Talbot, had suffered OCD when she was younger but after Tomos arrived she became "extremely anxious".

"I would be upstairs with Tomos in the bedroom and scenarios and questions such as 'what if I pick up that pillow and put it over Tomos' head and kill him?' would pop into my head," she said.

"I could be in the garden and hear a voice saying 'if you drop him on the floor he would crack his skull'.

"I couldn’t be in the kitchen alone with my son, especially if there was a knife nearby. It was all a nightmare."

The nature of OCD, she said, means if you fight it, it gets worse.

"I was losing my mind and I couldn’t be alone with the baby," Ms Manchipp said.

Sara, 34, has lived with OCD since she was a child.

She used to wash her hands until they bled, odd numbers were problematic, she would avoid walking on certain parts of pavements and she would touch things repeatedly in a bid to lower the perceived risk of tragedies happening.

As a 20-year-old student, she began imagining unpleasant scenarios.

She said: "I was hearing voices telling me what would happen if I did something to a member of my family."

Miss Manchipp took action.

"To get over it I wouldn't eat and would try to make myself as weak as possible so I couldn't do anything," she said.

The condition was difficult to hide from people, and she added: "When family and friends came over they obviously said such things as 'you must be so happy after having a baby'.

"But inside I was just screaming."

At first she did not want to tell her partner John.

"It's not easy to tell your partner that you want to kill the baby," she said.

But he has been sympathetic and recognises she sometimes needs time to herself, she added.

Ms Manchipp said: "It's hard for him to understand but he's sympathetic and knows when I need go upstairs to have some time to myself."

Help was available, though it could be difficult to ask for sometimes, she said.

"It is quite natural for mothers to be scared that social services will take the baby, but it is important to know that there are specialist teams out there who can deal with the illness," she said.

"I've had special help from the Neath and Port Talbot mental health team - the best thing I've done ever is asking for help."

Over 18 months she received therapy and saw a psychiatrist.

While she cannot get rid of her OCD, she has learned to cope with it.

"I know how to deal with things if I get those thoughts and push them away," she said.

She is now once more competing in beauty pageants and working as an event organiser.

"OCD is a manageable condition and doesn’t have to rule your life," she said.

"There’s help out there. You just need to ask for it.”

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