Pub meet-ups for SEND dads 'help tackle loneliness'

Regular pub meet-ups for dads of autistic children helps alleviate "loneliness", the organiser says.

Self-harming, "mental health disasters" and keeping your eyes on your child "at all times" are just a few of the challenges some parents of children with autism face.

To support families, Bristol Autism Support (BAS) launched "BAS Dads" two years ago and now hosts regular pub events across the city.

Glen Maxwell-Heron, a BAS trustee, said the pub setting and the fact the meet-ups are dads-only helps people relax and "say what they like without fear of offending anyone".

"Parenting a child with special educational needs can be quite a lonely experience," he added.

It took four years for his 12-year-old daughter to receive an autism diagnosis.

Parents can become very stressed and frustrated at the process of getting support for their children, and fathers are sometimes more isolated than mothers, he said.

"Women have a shared experience around all those things you go through with a baby and that gives them a framework to build relationships - men don't have that," he said.

"You are there thinking 'no one else understands what I am going through'," he said.

"But when you get together with a group of non-judgemental people, because we all have kids with very different needs, that's a very good, supportive environment."

Some dads are so burnt out by family life they will buy a pint and "just stare into space".

"Or sometimes we hear heart-rending stories of children going through high anxiety, self-harm, school refusal and mental health disaster," Mr Maxwell-Heron said.

The sessions usually result in a discussion about different approaches to parenting autistic children.

"I come away from every single meet up thinking 'hmm, that might be quite interesting, let's give that a go and see if it works'," he added.

The charity is now keen to attract new faces and set up sessions elsewhere in Bristol and the surrounding areas.

Another member, Mark, said his two children, aged seven and nine, both have autistic traits started attending the groups so he could meet dads "who were in the same boat".

"I was feeling like I was just not fitting in with this wider community [of parents].

"This is purely anecdotal, but it seems mums build up social networks at the school gates - I think mums have opportunities to talk about things that dads don't get," he said.

While his son's autism was apparent from an early age, their daughter was diagnosed only recently.

She has a profile of pathological demand avoidance - otherwise know as "pervasive demand for autonomy" or PDA - where a child avoids or resists the demands of daily life.

"Some people in the BAS Dads group have got children with a PDA profile. It's really useful to find out things they've done and share our experiences with them," he said.

Meanwhile, Shaun who has been part of the group for over a year has a seven–year-old daughter who is non-verbal and also has a Global Development Delay, where a child is delayed in reaching developmental milestones in multiple areas.

He was struggling with his mental health last year when he found himself comparing his experience of parenting to that of his friends.

"A lot of it did play around the fact it's hard seeing other families taking their kids to play football or showing them how to ride a bike - in the park they are able to call their kids and they come back," he said.

"There's none of that 'fitting in' with her. You have to keep your eyes on her at all times and try and have two adults to make it easier.

"It was good to get understanding from other fathers, how they deal with it on a daily basis - what sort of things they get up to with their kids and what helps them, because obviously it can be challenging, it's a bit of a support network."

BAS has seen growing demand for its services - 685 families joined its community meet up groups in 2024, up 56% on the previous year.

As well as its Dads' groups, it offers sensory sessions, music therapy courses, support for grandparents and one-to-one sessions with parents and carers.

Jane Walton, the charity's chair of trustees, said: "The extraordinary growth we've seen highlights the vital need for our services in the community, both in Bristol and across the South West."

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